Stray Hawkeye

So, it looks like the legal wrangling associated with the Larry Craig in the airport bathroom case is coming to an end.  Remember, that bit of news gone national making Minnesota look bad in 2008, aside from riots at the RNC, and possibly electing Stuart Smally to the Senate (still not final because we still can’t get enough people to take off their gloves and boots to properly finish the recount apparently, or some toes have frozen off (the forecasted low for tonight is 15 below) causing the numbers to shift, or something).

The one interesting part of the Larry Craig case (at least to me anyway), was the legal defense made by the ACLU was trying to defend him on the basis that his invitation for sex to the undercover police officer was protected as free speech.  That, in and of itself is old news.  But there’s one detail of the case in this article over at MinnPost of which I was unaware:

Finally, the ACLU maintains that Craig allegedly invited Karsnia to engage in conduct which is not, in itself, a crime. The brief states that if Craig’s invitation was to have sex in a restroom stall, then that conduct would be protected under State v. Bryant, a 1970 Minnesota Supreme Court decision which holds that “individuals who engage in sex in closed stalls in public restrooms have a reasonable expectation of privacy.”

Is it just me, or is that a really unusual Supreme Court case?  Later in the article:

Also, attorneys for the state contend that Craig’s reach under the stall was not covered by the State v. Bryant case, since Craig’s body intruded into another stall, and was not confined to the one that he occupied, where he had a reasonable expectation of privacy under the Bryant decision.

Oral arguments in the State of Minnesota v. Larry Edwin Craig case will be heard at 9 a.m. today at the Minnesota Judicial Center.

(Author exercises great restraint in not making an “Oral arguments” crack, even though MinnPost put that in the last line of their article, which could kind of leave a bad taste in…, oh nevermind.)  So, yes, there was actually a case in 1970 that went all the way to the Minnesota Supreme Court on how much privacy you can expect while having sex in a public restroom.

After a little digging, I found this rather lengthy article on sodomy laws, which gives the case more context:

The first non-unanimous sodomy decision by the Court was the 1970 case of State v. Bryant. A bitterly divided 4-3 decision overturned the conviction of a man arrested in a department store restroom. The store suspected that sexual relations were taking place in the restroom after the security supervisor, David Imire, discovered a glory hole cut between two stalls. Imire and a police officer then stationed themselves in the roof, looking down on the stalls, which led to the arrest of Bryant for making use of the glory hole. After noting other court decisions concerning the same issue, which led to the reversal of convictions for violations of privacy, Chief Justice Oscar Knutson, writing for the majority, stated that

once the store provided facilities of such a nature that the user was assured of privacy, it could not destroy that privacy by giving its consent to secret surveillance by police.

In dissent, Justice Robert Sheran, who resigned shortly after the decision was announced, stated that his disagreement consisted “only” of the fact that

persons who use places of this kind for illegal activities which subvert the object of the owner’s invitation should not be allowed to shield their perversions by appealing to the court’s proper concern for the rights of others not involved in the prosecution.

Law is such an odd thing. So, from what I can tell from all of that, according to Minnesota law, though it’s probably illegal to have sex in a public restroom (I assume, didn’t look that one up), you can legally expect privacy while doing so, so long as no parts of anyone involved leave the stall.  Also, no one can spy on you to see if you are having sex in a public restroom, though I would assume that if the fact that that is taking place is apparent to anyone outside the stall, the police would probably have probable cause to investigate.  No idea where all that would then fit in with indecent exposure laws if an officer opened the stall door (making a legally private space public), obscenity laws, or (god help us all) health codes.

I’d just like to reiterate, law is such a weird field.

So after an incredibly dull and unrewarding day at work today, I was walking from the office to the bus downtown tonight.  I see two people coming running around the corner on the cross street at the end of the block I’m on.  One runs across the street, the other down the block towards me.  The cross street they came from is a pretty main bus route, so it makes sense for someone to be running for a bus along that street, but the street I’m on has almost no buses, and even if it did, the person running towards me wouldn’t have been able to see one to run towards it.

It strikes me as odd that two people would both round that corner, running hard, at almost the same moment, but go different directions, and at least one of them not running for a bus.  What makes people in the city run (who in what are quite obviously not running clothes) other than running for a bus?  Well, being chased is about it.   This whole thought process takes about 2 seconds.  Sure enough, a cop and a gentleman (whom I can only assume is a witness/victim) come running around the corner after them, and follow the one on my side of the street.   The cop and the gentleman are both running, but the person running towards me (I can see now it’s a woman, maybe mid to late 20′s) looks a little faster than them from my roughly one second of observing their relative paces and evaluating overall pace differentials and agility.

So then it occurs to me.

I have a chance to legally open field tackle someone on the street, and as an added bonus, they know a cop is almost there anyway so I can be reasonably confident I won’t get stabbed or shot-  I get to be a good Samaritan / Spider-Man preventing the Uncle Ben’s death, and tackle someone in the process.  This is already the high point of my day.  Awesome.

For a moment I envision a full speed BCS Championship Game style juke move followed by a leaping swinging high arm tackle / clothesline.  I drop into the standard linebacker pose – a slight squat, shoulders squared, arms out to about a 45 degree angle, eyes on target.  While I’m wearing business casual and a messenger bag.  It occurs to me I watch too much football.

If you don’t know me and I haven’t mentioned it elsewhere, it would probably be helpful to mention at this point that I’m male, about 6’3″ and 225lbs, and reasonably athletic.  Not something I think of daily, but apparently me in a football stance with an obvious intent to tackle you is rather intimidating.  It also doesn’t occur to me daily how much bigger I am than most people so it’s a brief second before I realize what an uneven match up this is.

The girl keeps running and attempts to knock into me and get past.  However, given the size differential, it’s a pretty feeble attempt.  Plus, she doesn’t really try to go around me, but more through.  She runs basically straight in to me, and more or less bounces straight back off.  I guess she thought I was going to leap out of the way at the last second or something.  She tries again, this time trying to go slightly around me.  I wrap one arm around her shoulders, which is more than enough to stop her.  At this point it seems to dawn on her how much bigger I am than her as well, and that she’s not getting past.  I unwrap my arm and just stand in front of her.  She berates me briefly and the cop and the gentleman finally catch up.  They are that much slower.  At this point it was flagrantly obvious the cop would not have caught up with the lady on his own.  She ran into me twice, and told me off, in the amount of distance she got on them in one block.

The cop hands a pair of handcuffs to the gentleman and tells him to arrest the woman.  It occurs to me that he probably saw whatever it was illegal that they did, and therefore can/should make a citizen’s arrest.  As a side note, if an officer isn’t present for a crime, technically, they shouldn’t arrest the person if it’s a minor offense, and will often ask the main witnesses to make a citizen’s arrest, which the witness can do because they witnessed the crime.  (I actually read this article on citizen’s arrests in Minnesota a couple weeks ago, which fit nicely with this evening’s events.)

The cop then set off at a light jog (perhaps a run for him) after the other runner, who had (criminals are dumb) upon splitting up with the woman, chosen to run down the other side of the same street, going the same direction, towards a traffic cop in an intersection.  I’m not sure if the cop caught up with the guy, or if the traffic cop got involved.  The gentleman was a similar build to me, and seemed to have this whole arresting thing well under control, so I shrugged my shoulders and kept walking to my bus.   This all took perhaps 10 or 15 seconds.

I mention this not to brag or anything, but for the following reasons:

• It’s really random and kind of entertaining.
• It’s not often that being a fairly big guy or being in reasonably good shape comes in handy in civil society outside of helping people move, so it’s kind of nice when it does.
• The cop made absolutely, positively no show of appreciation for the help in stopping someone who was apparently worth chasing and arresting, and who would have obviously gotten away otherwise.  No “thanks”, not even a half second of eye contact and a slight head nod.  He acted exactly as if the girl had run into a light pole and couldn’t figure out how to get around it.  I suppose from a legal stand point, the tackling of strangers on the street when you didn’t even witness the crime isn’t something they probably want to encourage, and he was a bit distracted with the other runner, but it still struck me as odd that at no point did he in any way even acknowledge my presence.
• In case you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to tackle someone running from the cops on the street (and you know you have, or that well choreographed fight scene you come up with while waiting in line at the post office where everyone in line who has a package actually has a weapon in it and is well trained in martial arts), even if a bit anti-climactic due to the size differential, yes, it is really fun/exciting.

So, then when I got off the bus tonight after this (again, I mention not to brag, but for the coincidence and how much things go in streaks), I walked about a half block and there was a truck trying to get out of a parking spot on the side of the street, and was really, really stuck on some ice, and spinning their tires trying to get it out.  So, laughing a bit, I went over and help push them out.  (A guy who I had just passed walking went past this, saw that I went to help, then stopped and came back to help too.)   After a couple of good shoves, the truck got some traction and pulled out.   In shear contrast to the cop and the amount of effort / personal risk expended in both situations, the girl driving the truck turned around at the next intersection so she could come back and thank us both enthusiastically, and looked absolutely ecstatic that someone, in fact two someones, stopped to help.

The site got a new theme today.  I like it.  Much more airy and clean than the old one.  I’ll probably be continuing to make some customizations to it to get it just the way I’d like it, so apologies if it looks funky now and then as I mess with it.  I’m still working on teaching myself php, and my css skills are rusty (programming stuff, if you’re not familiar).   I also added some ads (income = more incentive to keep doing this, though by Google’s terms of service, I’m not in any way telling you to click them or directing attention to them in any way other than noting the change.  Ads?  What ads? (looks around nervously for Google to swoop out of the clouds and smite him) ).

As a side note, I don’t really have any control over what ads get displayed, so sorry if they’re weird or something that doesn’t really fit here.  I blame Google.  (Cowers again…, resumes.)   Thus far they seem very interested in politics and thongs.  A little odd given that I’ve never written anything about thongs here, but whatever.  (Insert joke here about politicians/politics and the areas that thongs cover.)

Thoughts?  Comments?  Suggestions?  Ideas for the phrasing of the joke that would fit there?

So there’s a band called Visual Audio Sensory Theater (generally know as VAST) that I really like.  I came across them a long time ago, and I think they’ve been best described as Nine Inch Nails meets that Gregorian Chant.  They’re musically complex, have themes that tie across songs, a bit of word play, beautiful use of dynamics, use of a wide variety of instrumentation, and a wide depth and breath of musical styles that all tie together into a cohesive whole.  I dig it.  Though all of their albums that I’ve heard so far (haven’t heard all of their newest stuff) are good, their first album (self titled) is far and away the best, and worth listening to end to end as an album.

I bring them up specifically because I recently heard a new song on the radio that has a violin part that struck me as being really similar to a part in one of VAST’s songs.  (As a side note, the VAST song here is a little on the slow side by itself, but in the context of the album, it’s much better.) Compare the part from about 1:22 to 1:44 of Flames by VAST:

To 0:56-1:10 of Overture by Patrick Wolf:

Granted, there are only so many note progressions in the world, but that struck me a pretty close.  Even more so when you listen to other VAST songs with a more driving beat, that have a closer style to the second one above.  Doesn’t help that I love the VAST song and I’m not much of a fan of the second one.

Anyway, to give a little more of a flavor of VAST, here’s a few of their other songs that I really like, basically the first few off of their first album.  The videos are really random, but it gives a flavor of the band’s music.

Here:

Touched:

Dirty Hole:

Pretty When You Cry:

And a couple from their second album, Music for People:

Blue:

Free:

There’s a suprisingly large number of their videos on YouTube as well.

Warning: Crude humor ahead.

I’ve heard a fair number of people claim that the best way to relax and be at ease in front of a large audience, or when talking to a boss or CEO or some such thing, is to picture them naked. Somehow this is supposed to make them “just a person”, like everyone else, and then you can relax.

Personally, I haven’t found this to work well.  For one, it doesn’t relax me that much.  For two, I tend to spend too much time attempting to come up with the private parts, and get a bit hung up here.  It’s a bit disturbing trying to picture the private parts of the person your talking to if they’re the same gender, and distracting if they’re of the opposite gender (obviously reversed if you swing the other way).  Even more so if it’s a whole room you’re going to be addressing.

So, I’ve come up with an alternative that works well for me.  I thought of it while an Account Manager (read: someone way, way up the corporate ladder) was on his cell phone not far from my cube at work.  I think he was talking to his kids, or trying to get a package delivered, or something mundane like that.  And it took the mysterious air of ultra-powerful Account Manager right off of him, and made him just some schmuck that has to spell out his name for UPS like everyone else.  So I tried to think, what is the most mundane thing that everyone does that makes them just like everyone else, no matter what their job or social status?  Aside from being naked under their clothes.

And then it came to me.  To stop being intimidated by someone, anyone, picture them taking a dump.

It’s perfect, and it’s simple.  Anything distracting is covered or out of sight below the rim in your mental image of them squatting down and shooting one out.  It’s not something you’re going to want to dwell on for too long. Just picture their face scrunched up, in a general squatting position, and a grunting noise.  It makes everyone really human.  You can picture someone really powerful/beautiful naked, as the usual advice goes, and it doesn’t really knock them down to your level usually.  They can still be powerful, dignified, and in some cases, even hotter.

But no one, no one, looks powerful, dignified, or more attractive while taking a dump.  You can’t help but giggle a little picturing anyone in this position.  It even works great for crowds.  Next time you have to speak in front a group, try this.  They’ll probably all already be seated, so half the work is already done for you.  Just imagine them all taking one giant collective dump, and attempt to not burst into hysterical laughter causing security to drag you off the stage before you get through the first PowerPoint slide.

And better yet, you know at some point it happens to everyone.  In most cases, daily.  There’s no one I can think of that isn’t taken down to a human level by taking a dump.  Let’s try it now.

Picture someone that would usually intimidate you.  Now picture them taking a dump.

And I don’t mean a regular dump.

I mean a “been constipated for 3 days and then ate some spicy Mexican” dump.

A set the record in an utlra hot inferno-flavored buffalo wings eating contest and went back for seconds dump.

A just ate pork for the first time in a year dump.

Something that might stain the porcelain or, with one extra grunt, crack the bowl style dump.

A salmonella laced Thai food with a side of boiled cabbage dump.

A “Oh my god, my insides are coming out” dump.

A worried you might launch yourself into low earth orbit dump.

Scrunched up face, holding your breath, working on pulling an abdominal muscle dump.

Still having trouble picturing it?  Or seeing how it would take them down a notch?  Let’s try a few examples.

We’ll start with an easy one.  George W. Bush.  He looks like he half way there in most of his speeches already.

Now let’s try US Secretary of Treasury Henry Paulson.  He basically controls the world economy and he looks like he’s taking a dump all the time.  Actually, that might not be a coincidence lately.

(There were more pictures, but they just got a little too disturbing.)

Let’s try one that takes a little more imagination.  How about this, Oprah.  A little harder, a little improper, but it does take that whole personal empire thing down a notch.  If you want to, even picture her holding her book club book of the month.  Or a copy of her magazine “O”, with her own face on the cover.  Meta-dump.

How about another.  Jesus.  That’s right, even Jesus pooped at some point in his 30ish years on earth.  And some of them were probably thunderous.  If he didn’t poop, it’d be a miracle, and I think something like “And he never once pooped” would end up somewhere in Bible, or at least an apocryphal text or a crazy preacher’s sermon, yet I’ve never heard the claim once.

It works for anyone.  Even where picturing them naked might not work so well.

Your ex (There is no way to still be attracted to them this way, well, unless you have some crazy fetishes).

Sarah Palin (“Poop, baby poop” – either in the intonation of “Drill, Baby, Drill!” , or “Bond, James Bond.”, it works either way)

Barack Obama (“I hope I can, I hope I can….”)

Your boss (“Um yeah, I’m just gonna need you to.. huuuuuuuhhhhhhh”)

Ghandi (after that first big veggie filled meal after a hunger strike)

Dracula (“I’m never eating Mexican again”)

Hitler (“Zig Hei…pppppppffffffffff”)

Yoda (“Pooping, I am”)

Bin Laden (in a cave or behind a bush, not that Bush)

Darth Vader (sound of heavy breathing, occasionally punctuated with a pause and straining noise)

See, everyone is now not only approachable, you can find a way to laugh at them too, and not take them seriously at all.