Now, that number has trimmed down slightly, and there’s always potential for injury and suspensions/legal issues, but if you actually count all the players listed in that first article that could play running back, we’re still at something like 13 or 14 guys who could play the position.  Which got me thinking, why could we possibly want that many running backs?

And then it struck me, this could be nothing other than the absolute offensive genius of Ken O’Keefe finally coming to fruition.  (In case you were wondering, yes, it was actually physically painful to even ironically type the phrase “the absolute offensive genius of Ken O’ ahhhhhhhh.)

Obviously, while Ken was watching tapes of the Georgia Tech’s unstoppable Triple Option offense to prepare for the Orange Bowl, he saw something he liked, but saw room for improvement.  (Yeah, I don’t know why an offensive coordinator would be watching tape of the other team’s offense to prepare for a bowl game, but it’s Ken O’Keefe we’re talking about here, so let your mind float a bit, it’ll help.)

During the Orange Bowl, we saw the much praised Triple Option of Georgia Tech absolutely stuffed, held to a mere 155 yards of total offense.  And with this, O’Keefe’s suspicions were confirmed.  He had seen the fatal flaw in Georgia Tech’s otherwise perfect offensive scheme.  It wasn’t that, as many have claimed, the Triple Option is a gimmicky offense which relies on poor defensive tackling mixed with ill-prepared opponents being caught off guard by it’s novelty.  No, as Ken realized, the its one fatal flaw is that it’s not gimmicky or novel enough.  It’s not that focusing almost exclusively on lateraling the ball makes a team one dimensional.  Well, actually, it is, and that’s where the genius comes in.  Don’t be one dimensional.  No, no, not what you would think- actually having a balanced running and passing game.  That’s crazy talk.  We need to be not only two, but three dimensional.  We need to be not just twice as good as Georgia Tech, we need to be exponentially better.  And that’s when our new offense crystallized in Ken O’Keefe’s mind.

The Triple Option… Squared.

Here’s how it will work.  The ball will be snapped directly to a running back, who will in turn have a running back on either side of him.  He’ll have the option to hand it off to either of them, keep it himself, or start running with it, and then lateral it to one of them, who will then have all the same options.  Sounds just like the Triple Option so far, but you’ve forgotten that we’ve raised this offense to the second power.  This is where those 9 running back start to make sense.  They’re all going to be on the field at the same time.

After the first three running back do their magic, if somehow the defense hasn’t completely fallen apart by this point, there will be another row of three more running back behind the first three that we can lateral the ball back to.  Oh, and it doesn’t stop there.  Oh no!  Yes, there will be ANOTHER row of 3 running backs behind the second row to whom the second row can lateral back to.  Or maybe one of them will pass it forward to one of the first waves of running backs.  You just don’t know do you?  It will be like D-Day on a football field.  Wave after wave of running backs crashing over the defense.  Chaos and bodies flying everywhere!!

Now you may be saying, “Don’t you have to have at least a few guys on the line of scrimmage?  I mean, it’s in rules.”  Why yes, it is, and we will.  Some of the running backs will actually line up on the line of scrimmage, and then run backward to get behind the first wave to form the second and third waves.  Or will they?  See how confused the defense will be?  Nine potential guys to carry the ball, some running forwards, some running backwards, some doing jumping jacks in place just to fuck with you.  And wave after wave after wave of bodies crashing and lateraling and faking and running and passing and reversing!!!  There’s just no way to defend against this!!!!

You may also be saying, “Triple Option Squared…  Nine Running Backs… but… who will the other guys on the field be?  We need 11, right?”   Well, isn’t it obvious?  First we need someone to snap the ball.  And there’s only one guy who can make this offense any more terrifying than it already is – Adrian Clayborn.  You just wet yourself a little, didn’t you?  Just imagine what defenses will do.

Okay, that takes us to 10 players.  We need one more.  And this is where we get practical.  At some point, in all likelihood, with all the confusion, and defensive players’ tears getting on the ball, it’s going to get slippery and pop out.  And as we saw this season, there is no player better at magically appearing under, or magnetically attracting, a loose ball than Tyler “Jimmer-Jamming” Sash, so, we’ll line him up at wide receiver.

With that offense, and most of our 2009 defense returning, I predict the 2010 college football season will actually end not with Iowa in a BCS Championship Game, or the introduction of playoffs, but in week three when all 118 other college football teams decide to universally forfeit the season to Iowa.  Further play will be suspended until enough running backs can be recruited by all opposing teams so that they can implement the new scheme as well to have any chance at competing.  This will lead to Iowa being declared National Champion by collective forfeit in 2011 as well.

Thus it has been said, thus it shall be done.

While I was at the dentist last week, I noticed that depending on the angle, I could look at the little glasses / visor thing my dentist was wearing (I would assume to keep any splash or bits of scrapped gunk from flying into her eyes) and see a reflection of what she was looking at.  It was sort of cool to see the different perspective on my mouth than I usually see, but especially for being able to actually see exactly what it was she was doing.  Now, I didn’t check to much, because the reflection, being on her glasses thingy, was directly over her eyes, making it sort of a weird making eye contact but not really thing that just seemed awkward.

However, it made me think that since they’re wearing these glasses/visor/headset thing anyway, they could easily put a little camera on there, and a little cheap lcd screen next to the light that they use to shine in your mouth, and you could watch what it was they were doing as they did it.  Dental Cam.

It would be especially handy for showing you which spots you really need to focus on brushing more, and why.  Or what happens when you don’t floss.  Or if there is some spot that they say they’re keeping an eye on, they could show you why.  And just for the general interest of seeing what exactly it is they’ve been doing in there all these years.

Now for if this is a really good or a really bad idea I think would depend in large part on how good or bad both your teeth and your dentist are.  If your teeth and dentist are good, I think it would be utterly fascinating, and make what’s generally a fairly dull half hour of laying around an educational experience that makes you feel more in control of and connected to your own health and care, and let you actually see first hand the results of the health choices you make.

On the other hand, I could also see where if you had some seriously bad dental issues and a dentist that was less than gentle, it could also turn into your own personally customized horror film.

Anyway, they’re always really nice and fairly upbeat, especially their receptionist, who may be the most consistently pleasant and chipper person I’ve ever come across.  Their equipment is new and clean and seems very up to date.  For instance, when they take x-rays, they show up on a laptop right next to you, and they can pull up past ones and compare them side by side, and show you what they’re looking at.  They’re also pretty good at having it not be painful (though admittedly I haven’t had any cavities recently, so I might not be the best gauge of that), and are good at having some pleasant conversation leading up to the exam, but letting it trail off just before you get to that whole trying to have a conversation with your mouth hanging open while someone hold a sharpened pick in your mouth thing that some dentists do.  They’re also just generally considerate of the small things like if the light is shining in your eyes, or if you need to swallow, or if they’ve gotten all the crunchy gunk out of your mouth.

Thought I’d pass it along in case any of you are looking for a good dentist.  I dig them.

On the flip side, does anyone know of a decent optometrist in the Twin Cities?  I’ve been to two different ones since I moved here, and really, really, disliked both of them.

• Nowhere
• Bag Check
• Creepy
• Spinal Tap Amps
• Tornado Hunter

Yes, I know, it’s not only annoying and a little creepy, but it will get stuck in your head until you want to kill yourself by, in an ironic twist, driving to McDonald’s and actually eating a couple of those sandwiches so your heart clogs up with enough grease to sputter to a slimy, sludgy stop.  Clever advertising ploy that is.

Anyway, I have to say that when I first heard the song, it got me thinking.  The lyrics go:

Give me back that Filet-O-Fish.

Give me that fish.

Give me back that Filet-O-Fish.

Give me that fish.

What if it were you hanging up on this wall?

If it were you in that sandwich you wouldn’t be laughing at all.

It’s particularly those last two lines that got me thinking.  What if it were me in that sandwich?  I mentally pictured a rubber-ized cheesy Lazytown version of myself on a plaque, singing that song.  And, being the (sometimes overly) logical person that I am, my next though was of course that the song ceases to make sense.  (Right, because it made so much sense before, but hang with me here.)  It wouldn’t make sense to be singing about wanting a piece of fish back, I would need to sing about wanting an equivalent piece of myself back.  And thus the song started running through my head with the word “fish” replaced by “human”.

Give me back that Filet-O-Human.

Give me that human.

Give me back that Filet-O-Human.

Give me that human.

What if it were you hanging up on this wall?

If it were you in that sandwich you wouldn’t be laughing at all.

Kind of takes it to a whole new level of weird and creepy, doesn’t it?  And now, every time I see one of those commercials on TV, I can’t help but mentally substitute “human” into the song.

Just thought I’d share.

Granted, the religious fundies would just deny that we had ever been to Mars, or claim the oil was put there by god 5,000 years ago to test their faith. And there would have to be oil on Mars in the first place. And we’d have to figure out how to make SUVs run at several hundred degrees below zero with double the gravity. And I have no clue how fertile Martian soil is. But I can dream, right?

Or maybe we could just reproduce less.

In thinking about that, another song in the same genre came to mind – Pets by Porno For Pyros (really ignore that thought if you feel the need to watch the video while listening to it, as it kind of picks up on the vibe, but in a freakish female body builder way):

Any thoughts for other good, though non-standard (ie, no “I Touch Myself” by The Divinyls, or “Pour Some Sugar On Me”, or “Wild Thing”, etc), songs for stripping?