Stray Hawkeye

This is a part of the dino saga, if it doesn’t make any sense, read these.

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After a good night’s sleep, we got up early to go tailgating.  Okay, not that early, it was an 8:00 PM game, but the point here is we went tailgating, and Parker got things started off right.

Does anyone else ever wonder if the beer (Land Shark) was named after this really old Saturday Night Live skit, and for that matter, if they had this particular clip in mind when they got naming right for the stadium where the Dolphins play?

No? Just me? Okay, moving on with tailgating then…

A few hours of tailgating later, night falls, and we learn that Parker can apparently hold his beer substantially better than Sinclair.

Yes, Parker was also standing on the car.  Life lesson?  Never buy a used car that was a rental.  Ever.

So, it was getting closer to game time, and we decided to head into Joe Robbie/Pro Player/Dolphin/Land Shark/Sun Life Stadium, up the giant spiraling corkscrew ramp, which gives a pretty good view of the tailgating festivities.

Now you may be saying, “Kearn, those last two pictures don’t have Parker in them at all, and tailgating seemed to go by rather quickly.”  Did I mention we were tailgating, and I was drinking?  Good, now that we’ve cleared that up, I’d like to point out that arepas may be the best drunk food ever.  It’s like you took cornbread, but made it into a sort of pancake form, and then once that was cooked, you heated it up on a grill with cheese (um, a kind that’s white, I have no idea which kind) between two of these cornbread pancake things until it was all gooey and warm.  Delicious.  They serve them at Joe Robbie/Pro Player/Dolphin/Land Shark/Sun Life Stadium.  Anyway, after that delicious break, we made it into the stadium, and back to Parker.  Luckily we left ourselves plenty of time to get to our seats.

“To be in the Hawkeye section, yes.  And to be on about the 45 yard line on the Hawkeye side, absolutely.”

Now, you may notice that between those two pictures, Georgia Tech went about 40 yards on offense.  This was basically the only time this happened during the game.  This was also basically the only time Parker was watching.  Now, I tend to not be too superstitious, but this was enough to make me convince Parker to stay in my pocket for the rest of the game, thus the lack of more game pictures with him.  Once it was safe again, he came came out to watch some more.

This is a part of the larger dino saga, if it doesn’t make any sense, read these.

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After our time on the beach, Parker and I decided to explore the Lincoln Road pedestrian mall in South Beach.  We were a little slow getting there, as Parker decided to stop for a snack.

And of course the bushes are always greener on the other side of the pedestrian walk way, so, we had to try those too.

I let Parker take all the time he want eating those bushes.  “Aren’t plants delicious Parker?”

“Phew, good.”

“What’s that Kearn?”

“Oh, nothing.”

South Beach – where even the mannequins have implants.

Let it be noted that the store Parker is posing in front of in this picture was selling Hawkeye gear.  And only Hawkeye gear.  No general sports merchandise.  Just Iowa Hawkeye clothes and memorabilia, and nothing else.  In Miami.  There was absolutely no Georgia Tech (the other team in the Orange Bowl) stuff, or any other store like it selling Georgia Tech stuff.  And it wasn’t a sports store that just rotates through whatever team is visiting for whatever game – it was an empty store front on Saturday, it was a full fledged Hawkeye store on Monday.  Apparently word gets out about how well our fans travel.

We had walked a ways, so Parker grabbed another snack.

“And you’re sure you’re okay with just eating plants, right Parker?”

“Oh, good.  I mean, I think we can find you something to drink.  How about that fountain over there?”

So we kept walking down to the end of the block, until finally we found…

After Parker had his fill, we decided to head back to the hotel and relax for a while.  We wanted to be well rested for tailgating the next day, so we decided to turn in early.  I tucked Parker into his little dino bunk…

And we slept with dreams of Hawkeye bowl wins in our heads.

Not to be confused with previous Free Idea Friday Cold Beer, this would be a website that lists bars, and their beer prices, only.  No pictures, no reviews or editorials.  No descriptions of the crowd that gathers there and how cool/trendy/hipster/tattooed/townie/gay bar/dance club/meat market/dive/etc it is.  Just a list of what beers the bar serves.  It would also need to note which are on tap, in bottles, and in cans, and the price of each.  It should also list if the bar ever charges a cover charge.

I’m a little up in the air still on if specials should be noted, or if it should just be the maximum price you will ever pay for a given beer at a given bar.  I’m also a little up in the air on if it should include other types of drinks they have (cider, wine, cocktails, shots), and if so, do you limit it to what’s on the menu, or whatever they’ll make.  I would lean towards including all alcohol that’s listed on the menu (if there is one), and noting specials but not real prominently.

The website should also allow you to search by distance from a given location, by which bars have a particular beer (for instance, Guinness on tap, PBR in a 20 oz can, Fat Tire in a bottle, etc), price for a given beer, and any combination of the above (for instance, find a bar within a mile that has Guinness on tap for $5 or less, doesn’t serve 20oz’s of PBR, and has some kind of hard cider).

I think this would be interesting not only as a great way to find a cheap place to drink with your friends and a handy way to find place that serve any obscure beers you may like, but also for how much you could tell about a place by what beers they have there and the price of each.

Previous post in the dino-saga here and here.  And yes, it took me forever to get around to downloading the pictures from my camera for this episode, so it’s a little behind the times, but it keeps you up to date with the saga.

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Sinclair has been hanging out at my place for quite a while now, and after getting rested up after his long journey from Florida, we started our search to see if we could find Minne.  So far we’ve had no luck, but it appears from her twitter account that she’s planning to come back in the spring.  After much consoling and a few cookies, I got Sinclair to accept that he won’t be able to see her until then.  In the mean time I’ve been distracting him with Hawkeye sports.

Sinclair took me up on the suggestion that we go down to the Iowa vs Minnesota game this year and go tailgating.  Nessie sent me a letter and said that she was going to swim up to meet us there, but that Mississippi current was too strong for her, and unlike Sinclair, every time she asked a barge captain for a ride, he’d scream in fear and mutter something about needing to “cut back” and run away.  However, she told me that she had a certain feeling we’d meet another Iowa fan at the game if we told her where we’d be tailgating, so I sent her the address.

We drove down to Iowa for the game the night before so we could sleep a little there and go tailgating.  We got up early, but Sinclair was pretty restless.

So I told him to go for a little walk to burn off some energy, since he seems to be good at that.

“Come to think of it, Sinclair, are you old enough to drink?”

“Oh, I suppose that makes sense, kind of.  Ready for another?”

“Sure.  Are you guys hungry?  We’re a little too lazy to do actual grilling tailgate food, but we do have some cookies and chips.”

“Sinclair, that’s an awful lot of beer to drink that fast, especially for someone your size.”

And I think we all know where that leads.  About 20 minutes later it was almost time to go to the game…

“Here Sinclair, have some water.”

“Thanks, I think I might stay back and take a little nap.  Parker can use my ticket and go to the game with you guys.”

“Are you sure you’ll be alright?”

“Yeah, though it is a little chilly.  Do you have anything I could borrow to cover up with?  I’m cold blooded and all…”

“Sure, here, hop in the car.  I happen to have an old Iowa Marching Band raincoat that you can cover up with.  It even has the old fuzzy fleece liner in it.  I’ll even tuck you in.”

So, we started walking to the game.

Parker made some friends along the way too.

It took a little while to get in, but we got there just in time.

It was a little quiet for a while after that.

Parker got a little bored during half time…

He takes after the defense.

A little while later, they got ready to kick off the second half, and we’re all lucky Parker was there.

Parker quickly ran down and restrained the unruly fan.  After all, we’d hate to see the Minnesota team catch fire for the first time since Decker got hurt.

The second half was, shall we say, less than photogenic.  But at least one fan in front of us did get pretty excited.

Until we finally arrived at the greatest (if also most blurry) play in football, the victory formation.

A side note, dinosaurs are incredibly slow on steps.  So, it took a little while to get down there and we missed Floyd, but we did get to see…

So, after the meanie security guard, we decided to go meet the band.  They were much nicer, one even let Parker try his horn.

Then we went over to meet the cheer leaders, they were pretty nice too, and seemed to like Parker…

Over all it was a fun game and a great day.

Until next time Mr Kinnick, until next time.

Start a bar simply named “Cold Beer”.  Bonus points if it’s in Minnesota or an equally fridged state.

• Career plans
• Groverfield
• Capitalists
• Elephants never forget

Yes, it’s the guy who does Mr Bean:

One Sentence is a site consisting purely of user submitted stories, each of which is one sentence long.  It’s amazing how one sentence can sometimes convey more than pages and pages of writing.  Favorites:

• Sleepwalking
• Change of plans
• Have it your way
• True love
• A day at work
• I can relate
• Mental health day
• Drinking problem
• Politickles

As Metblogs and WCCO have mentioned, there are several laws that apply to driving in the winter in Minnesota, especially in regard to snow.  Specifically, they both point to Minnesota Statute, Chapter 169.42, Subdivision 1:

No person shall throw, deposit, place, or dump, or cause to be thrown, deposited, placed, or dumped upon any street or highway or upon any public or privately owned land adjacent thereto without the owner’s consent any snow, ice, glass bottle, glass, nails, tacks, wire, cans, garbage, swill, papers, ashes, cigarette filters, debris from fireworks, refuse, carcass of any dead animal, offal, trash or rubbish or any other form of offensive matter, or any other substance likely to injure any person, animal, or vehicle upon any such street or highway.

Metblogs and WCCO both point out that this means that you have to clean off your vehicle before driving so you don’t have snow/ice fly off of your car and on to the street.  However, I’d note something else if we’re to follow the letter of the law.  This means that if you park your car on the street, you can’t brush snow off of it there, and you can’t move the car in any way that would cause snow to come off of it, because cleaning off your parked car would deposit snow and ice on the street, which is illegal.  The side of the street, yes, but the street none the less.

So, in order to behave legally, if you park your car on the street in Minnesota, and it snows, you need to collect all snow and ice off of your car, not letting any of it fall on the street or adjacent publicly owned land, and transport it to a privately owned location, with consent of the owner of that privately owned location.  Also, it says “any snow, ice”, which means that if you cause even a single flake to fall on the pavement, you’re a criminal.

While we’re at it, new word for me in that law: offal.  According to Wikipedia, “Offal is the entrails and internal organs of a butchered animal. The word does not refer to a particular list of organs, but includes most internal organs other than muscles or bones.”   Apparently offal dumping must have been a problem at some point to get this into law.

So remember- snowflakes, animal entrails, and cheap booze (swill is mentioned) are equally offensive in the eyes of the law.  Apparently, the dumping of good booze is fine, since it’s not offensive (my general definition of good booze vs swill), and dumping it is out is not “likely to injure any person, animal, or vehicle”, and, in fact, may prevent such injury.  Though I am in no way advocating the pouring out of good booze in the streets.  The proper disposal method of unwanted good booze is to give it to the blogger who first introduced you to the word offal.  It the law.  Maybe.

Even more random aside- the Wikipedia article on offal is actually full of random gems, such as:

• “Fries” is a term used in Europe to reference testicles as a food dish.
• “Faggot”, in addition to being a bundle of sticks and derogatory term in the US, is a British meatball commonly made of pork offal.
• Italians like to eat brains, among other disturbing things.
• The liver of the polar bear is unsafe to eat because it is very high in vitamin A.

From an email I got, slightly modified-

Things that are difficult to say when drunk:

• Innovative
• Preliminary
• Proliferation
• Cinnamon

Things that are very difficult to say when drunk:

• Specificity
• Anti-constitutionality
• Transubstantiation

Things that are absolutely impossible to say when drunk:

• No thanks, I’m married.
• Oh, I couldn’t!  No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
• Good evening, officer. Isn’t it lovely out tonight?
• Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
• Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination.  I’d hate to look like a fool!
• Oh, that’s okay, I can hold it until we get home, besides, public urination is so undignified.
• Surely there must be a peaceful resolution to our disagreement.
• No thanks, I’m content with my current level of intoxication and don’t think doing shots would be a good idea, though thank you for the offer.

So, I have heard of the game/tradition of watching the Big Lebowski and drinking a White Russian every time the Dude does (and tired it on a couple of occasions, which is why I have a hard time remembering a lot of the plot/details of the later portions of the movie, but can still tell you it is quite good, odd, but quite good).  I’ve also heard of smoking a joint every time the Dude does (not really my speed, at all, so I can’t tell you how that one would go, but I would imagine similar results).

However, from watching this clip, I would like to propose a new game/tradition: drink every time a particular explicative, in its various forms, is uttered over the course of the film.

Anyone care to test drive this new game with me?  After all the political coverage I’ve been watching lately, I could use a drink.

As a side note, in making this post, I also came across one of the more just unexpected Wikipedia articles I think I’ve ever seen (beating out the previous most random Wikipedia article of the list of problems solve by MacGyver)- A list of films that most frequently use the word “fuck”.  Apparently The Big Lebowski only clocks in at #21, right between Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, and Pulp Fiction.

This site is a shameless advertisement for a book, but entertaining none the less.  Two guys travel across the country, for the sole purpose of break absurd laws, such as:

• Drinking beer from a bucket is illegal in St. Louis
• Whale hunting is illegal in Utah
• Fishing in your pajamas is illegal in Chicago

They have pictures of many of their law breaking activities.

There is a whole site dedicated dumb laws here, though they don’t have citations of where one can find these laws, so the accuracy is questionable.

This leads me to a question I’ve had for a long, long time.  Where can I find “the law”?  Really.  What is legal and what is illegal?  Basically every law I know, I know because someone told me, and they know because someone told them, and so on (with the exception of traffic laws, which the DOT puts out quite pleasant and clear books about).  Is there any place you can actually find all the laws that are governing you at any point? How can you obey the laws when you don’t know what they are?  And pleading ignorance is never a valid defense – you’re legally obligated to know the laws, but you can’t find where “the laws” are to know them to obey them.

Especially with all the different layers of laws -international laws, federal laws, state laws, county laws (pretty sure there are county laws), and city laws.  And which take precedence in any given situation, especially if they contradict one another?  And what about “temporary” laws, such as the exception Minneapolis and St Paul will be having to the 2:00 am bar close law for the RNC.

For another example, I know that it’s illegal to drink alcohol in public, and you can get ticketed for it, and I’ve seen this one enforced on many occasions.  However, there also seems to be exceptions, such as tailgating before sporting events, or restaurants that have sidewalk cafes and serve alcohol, or while you’re in any sort of watercraft but not driving said watercraft.  I would think maybe you can drink on private property that is in public view, but not on government owned property (sidewalks for instance), but this doesn’t fit with tailgating at college football games, which usually takes place on parking lots owned by the college, which is owned by the state.

Does anyone know where I can find “the law”?