Stray Hawkeye

My dad forwarded me this email (no idea where it came from originally), made me laugh, so I thought I’d pass it on:

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flash light around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, “Jesus knows you’re here.”

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flash light off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, “Jesus is watching you.”

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flash light beam came to rest on a parrot.

“Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot.

“Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.”

The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you ?”

“Moses,” replied the bird.

“Moses?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird Moses?”

“The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”

So for the past two anniversaries of starting my blog, I got my blog makeshift cakes to celebrate.  Well, this year I couldn’t think of anything funny in terms of semi-cake-like food that comes in packs of 3, so I’m going a different route.

I looked up what the traditional anniversary presents are for each year.  It turns out I actually managed to do the first one right, as the traditional one year anniversary present is paper, and the birthday Combo was sitting on a piece of paper.

The second year, I didn’t get so lucky.  As it turns out, the traditional two year anniversary present is cotton, and as far as I know, my dueling Swiss Cake rolls did not have cotton as an ingredient.  (Maybe the candles did in the wicks, but that doesn’t really seem like it counts.)  So, to make up for it, I’m retroactively getting my blog a 100% cotton t-shirt, and half a bag of cotton balls:

Hooray!!

I also have the magnet version of that shirt.  Thanks Laura.

Having corrected last year’s slight, I then looked up what the traditional anniversary gift is for the third year.

Turns out it’s leather.

I have no idea who comes up with these traditions.

Yep, I gathered up a couple things I had laying around the apartment borrowed a variety of items from a large number of my more unusual friends who happened to each have a couple of leather items on hand.

Also, look forward to next year, as the traditional anniversary present for the 4th year is handcuffs.

Nah, just kidding, it’s flowers.

And now ladies and gentlemen, it’s that time of year.  The time where I request any feedback you might have on the blog.  Things you want to see more of?  Things you want to see less of?  Things you love?  Things that make you punch your monitor, not realizing that doing so only destroys you own property and has no greater effect on the internet at large?  Things you’d like to see turned into series?  Potential plot lines for the dino saga?  Other random musings?

The surface of the sun is roughly 9,938 degrees Fahrenheit.  But at least it’s a dry heat.

Fun fact – the Sealy Corporation, makers of mattresses, have a stock ticker symbol of ZZ.

Strangely, no one seems to have ZZZ, which kind of makes me want to start my own publicly trade mattress manufacturing company – Kearn’s Mattress Makers – with the tagline “Making 50% more Z’s than the competition”.

I’m not sure if it’s awesome or terrible that I get pretty much all of these:

14, 24, and 27 made me laugh hard enough I had to pause the video for about 10 seconds to go back and hear the rest.

Via a friend who sent it to me on Facebook

What do you call a group of ducks floating close together on a pond?

A cluster duck.

You may have seen the trailer for the upcoming movie Super 8. If not, here it is:

Let’s see, main character appears to be a giant alien monster thing from space.  It loves to eat metal and all things electric, especially high voltage power lines.  It’s super strong and leaves large trails of wreckage wherever it goes.  A somewhat anti-social young boy seems to be central to the plot, especially in the creature’s initial release, and tracking it down.  Officials are kept in the dark about what’s really happening.  The military is mobilized to try to deal with it, but seems outgunned.  And, the whole thing is noticeably stylized to a few decades back.

I don’t want to ruin the ending for you, but I’m pretty sure I know what our giant monster alien thing looks like:

The Iron Giant 2 - Hogarth's revenge -or- The Iron Giant 2 - Rise of the Beatniks

Just don’t tell Spielberg I let the cat out of the bag.  He seems like the type who would sue.

Also, fun fact – The Iron Giant‘s voice was done by Vin Diesel. Now you know.

I went to see the new movie Thor today.  Pretty good.  When I went into the theater, it was nice out – sunny with a light breeze.

When I came out of the theater after watching a movie featuring, as the title character, the Germanic pagan god of thunder, lightening, and storms, it was overcast with a strong wind.  When I checked the radar, it looked like this:

Just saying.

This is kind of awesome:

Via News Cut

Have you ever looked at a New Yorker cartoons and said to yourself, “Wow, I can’t even imagine who would have ever even thought that could make someone laugh, much less paid for it, especially since it’s so consistently pretentious and annoying in a New Yorker’y kind of way?”  Which really is to say, have you ever looked at New Yorker cartoons?

Turns out if you just give the same cartoons literal captions, they’re pretty funny, as The Monkeys You Ordered proves.  Buried gold I tell you.  A few favorites:

• Dog
• Tree
• Dolphin
• Piano

Via Kottke and Boing Boing.