South Beach and it’s residents seem to see themselves as (and may well be, I don’t keep track of these things) the center of fashion and stylishness for America and possibly the world.  They’re all very, very well dressed in whatever the latest style is.  At the same time that this would probably make them noticeable anywhere else, in South Beach, everyone is so in tune with the latest fashions, that they all end up looking basically the same (at least to my uncultured eyes).  It’s almost like there’s a dress code / uniform for the whole area, which probably changes about every two weeks.  They also seem to tend to be very fit (and dress to show it (or maybe cover it up where lacking)) and very tan.  I also don’t usually tend to notice plastic surgery, but wow, plastic people everywhere in South Beach.  There was also the highest concentration of Ethiopian refugee grade skinny girls that I’ve ever seen in one place.  Like walking skeletons in mini-skirts.  Super gross, but still trying to show it off.

In addition, it was also *by Miami standards* really cold while we were there.  Highs around 60-65, and lows around 40.  Yeah, I know, it was about 5 (above) when I got on the plane to go down, there was frozen puke (New Year’s morning) at the bus stop on the way to the airport.  But 40′s are apparently near record lows for them.  The natives were bundled up, in layers and layers and layers.  Sweaters, stocking caps, gloves, the whole bit.

They also all seemed to be rather serious and self-conscious.  Not in an unconfident way, just a being very aware of how they look and how others are looking at them.  And, perhaps because we were in an area pretty heavy in shops and restaurants, so lots of service industry people, they tended to all be in their 20′s and 30′s.  Though that could be the plastic surgery talking.

In contrast to that were the Iowa fans, who I love.  Totally on vacation, and caring about fashion and style even less than Mid-westerners normally do, which is already basically not at all.  Tigerhawks and “IOWA” on every shirt, fuck Dolce and Gabbana – our defense would kill them both, whoever they play for.  T-shirt stretched over a beer gut and stained jeans?  Sounds like an outfit to me.  XXL t-shirt on a XL frame and athletic short?  Let’s head to the beach!  It’s not that Iowa fans look bad by any means, it’s just that by and large, they couldn’t care less about designers or the latest trend.  Especially when on a vacation that centers around a sporting event.  And they’re not necessarily unfit (though, I would say on average we’ve probably got 25-50 pounds on South Beachers), but fitness for us is centered around being able to do the job at hand (usually farming) even if there is some padding over the muscle, rather than centered around looking toned at the beach.

To sum up the fitness part, I noted a few times from looking at the size and build of the Iowa fans and at the locals, that if a fight were to break out between the Iowa fans and the locals, every dollar I have or could borrow would be on the Iowa fans, and I’d gladly take 2 to 1 odds on that.

The Iowa fans also skewed more towards the 40-ish and 50-ish age range.  I would assume because that’s more of who has the resources to be able to fly down to Miami for a quick vacation.

So, needless to say, seeing the two groups mixing and passing on the street while you sat and ate was one of the more entertaining things on the trip (aside from the game of course).

The really weird part is that both groups have this same air of pride about them, but at the same time, a totally different form of it.  South Beachers have a sort of pride in appearance and their own perception of their social place at the forefront of culture and fashion.  Iowans I have a harder time analyzing, since I am one, but sort of a pride in being strong, independent, resilient, tough, caring, good people.  A sort of hereditary German pride in some sorts.

Anyway, an interesting compare and contrast while you’re sitting at a sidewalk cafe eating pizza and watching people walk by.

Now, on to some pictures.  First, this was still up in the Minneapolis airport when I flew out on the first:

It's what you do next that counts

Though Accenture was the first sponsor to drop Tiger Woods when he started hitting the news (and stationary objects such as trees and fire hydrants), apparently airport ads are on a bit of a slow rotation.  Also, all of their Tiger Woods posters went from sort of “eh?” to being downright insightful.  Someone also pointed out the new Accenture ads to me after I mentioned this.  Perhaps it’s just me, but when I first saw this one, I saw a rather small, blurry version like below, from a bit of a distance, and I thought to myself, “Why would they want their image to be a terrified elephant crouched on a melting iceberg off the coast of Antarctica?”  That makes no sense, and I’m pretty sure there is no part of that which is the image they want to get across.

"We know what it takes to be a... scared elephant?"

Then I realized that it’s not a terrified elephant crouched on a melting iceberg off the coast of Antarctica.  Rather, it’s a bi-pedal, hunchbacked elephant on a surf board riding a crappy wave.  Because that makes waaayyyy more sense.

Anyway, back to Miami.  We were walking on the beach, and my sister pointed out this great shot:

Beautiful, isn't it?

What’s that?  It’s just a bunch of hotels on the beach you say?  Ah, look closer…

Yep, that's a tigerhawk flag on the balcony on South Beach.

Now, I also generally think it’s sort of weird and creepy to take random picture of people you don’t know, but sometimes you just see things that are too awesome to resist sharing.

What appeared to be a hand knitted, Hawkeye sweater with an old school Herky on the back. Concentrated awesome.

And, hell, while we’re being creepy and posting some of my favorite fan apparel (which I’m now also noticing is probably a fair example of my above statements about Iowa fans and fashion and the cultural difference with the locals, especially, especially the second one below), here’s two more.

Six Seconds of Hell. With flames. There were a few of these around.

Valet Park This

What more can I say?

The team buses were also styling:

They had a couple of them like this.

Now a couple of pictures which illustrate as clearly as one can the distribution of fans for the game.

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

Admittedly Exhibit B was taken a little while before kick off, but Exhibit A was during the game.  And here’s the seating chart for the game:

Exhibit C

As you can see, each team’s athletic department is responsible for selling out about a quarter of the stadium.  This ensures some revenue for ticket sales for the bowl, and makes sure it feels like each team has a side.  These seats are indicated in grey in Exhibit C to illustrate that they’re not available through the Orange Bowl website, just through that team’s athletic department.  Now you may be saying, “Wait, Iowa left that many seats empty in their section?  No way!!  Well…, I guess it is a long trip, and it’s a recession and all, and they might have had their hopes up for the Fiesta…”.  No. No. No.

We were sitting in section 414.  Let’s orient those pictures for you:

Exhibit D

The Iowa sections was full.  Maybe not quite 100%, but at least 85%, and probably closer to 90%.  Plus there were lots of Iowa fans like myself who bought tickets in the neutral areas between the two (the colored seats in the above pictures).  In fact, basically all the fans in the neutral areas were Iowa fans.  Not exaggerating, probably 85% of the fans in both of the neutral corners were Iowa as well.  Granted, those sections weren’t completely sold out, but they were pretty well populated.  This means that Iowa, the traveling/visiting team, with no particular tie to the Orange Bowl (the ACC does have a tie in with the Orange Bowl), sold out at least half of the stadium, and probably more like 60-65% of the seats.  Now you’re saying, “So, Georgia Tech must have sold out the other 35-40% seats?”  No.  Not at all.  See Exhibit A.  In fact, let me clarify Exhibit A a bit with…

Exhibit E

So, Georgia Tech was tasked with selling, at minimum, 25% of the seats IN A BCS BOWL GAME.  In the picture above, I’ve circled a couple not so small holes in that 25% of the stadium.  And mind you, this was DURING THE GAME.  It’s not like these holes filled in when people came in from tailgating.  They stayed like that the whole time.   And then, there’s the elephant in the room, and it’s not even on a surf board this time.  What are those black bits?

Those are huge black tarps that were covering the upper half of basically all of the upper Georgia Tech sections.  I have no confirmation on this, but I would assume that their purpose is to make it less apparent to a TV audience that the stadium was not sold out.  This would make sense given the fan concentration just below these tarps, and the fact that they’re almost all in the Georgia Tech dedicated seating area.  Which means aside from the gaping holes circled in red that are sparse to empty, that not one single ticket was sold in the black tarp sections for the ACC CHAMPIONS to see their team compete in a BCS game BEING PLAYED THE NEXT STATE OVER.

In case you failed high school geography

As best I can tell, the tarps cover about 15 rows, and they’re over 14 sections, and each row is about 25 seats wide.  That means that by a back of the envelope calculation, that there were 5,250 seats under tarps in the Georgia Tech section.  Aside from that, there’s the holes in the lower section, the club level seating (the blue seats) are about 50-50, and the upper section outside the tarps is about 60% full.  So, let’s say that when we balance that out that Georgia Tech sold about half of the tickets in their quarter of the stadium, and we add in any stragglers they had in the rest of the place.  So, that puts us at around 15% of the tickets.  To Iowa’s 60-65%.

This is why I love my Iowa fans.  And why we always get invited to a bowl game one better than what our football team’s record would otherwise merit.

Anyway, the band was looking good, with the usual HAWKS formation:

HAWKS

As well as a new one that I hadn’t seen before.

HMB Tigerhawk

We always talked about wanting to make a Tigerhawk while I was in band, but it never happened because we weren’t very good at big, field wide curves while I was in, and that’s basically all a Tigerhawk is.  Have you ever tried drawing one free hand?  It’s impossible to get it right.  Drawing a perfect circle free hand would be easier.  But the band seemed to pull it off pretty well.  Hopefully it will become a mainstay of the pre-game show.

And a few pictures of the post-game festivities:

The players coming over to celebrate with the fans

The players on the stage for the trophy presentation

Ferentz getting the trophy

Adrian Clayborn. I'm so happy he's coming back for another season.

Clayborn gets the MVP trophy.

About as pretty as a jumbotron gets.

And I quite like that last one, so I played with it in GIMP (free PhotoShop) a little bit, and squared it up to look more straight on, and cropped out the rest.

Orange Bowl Champions

You can click on the image to get a bigger version of it.  It would make a great desktop background.  On every computer you touch.  Just saying.

I also tried taking some video while I was at the Hawkeye Huddle and at the game.  Random fact – the Orange Bowl has only ever had two occasions on which teams did their own pep rallies before the game, in 2003 and 2010.  Both times it was Iowa.  Apparently we’re the only team that does Hawkeye Huddles or equivalents.  So, on that note, here’s the Hawkeye Marching Band playing the short version of On Iowa at the Hawkeye Huddle from about half way back in the crowd:

A clip from Thriller:

I have no idea why that has become a sort of band tradition now. They play it all the time. The only reason I can think is because the dance is kind of fun to do. And it pisses me off to no end that they play it after the third quarter of games instead of Hey Jude. But don’t get me started on that, or any of the many other HMB traditions that Kevin Kastens and Myron Welch have combined to destroy.

Deep Breath.

And here is a full version of Hey Jude:

Ah, that makes me feel better.

And a small chunk of the series as the band marches out. Admittedly probably the most boring clip of the bunch. I was expecting them to march out through the crowd, but they went out through the back of the stage. Probably makes a lot more sense, but not quite as entertaining to watch.

And I did a quick 360 panorama of the crowd at the end of the Hawkeye Huddle to show about how big it is. This was right at the end, so people were starting to filter out:

And, the last few plays of the Orange Bowl, starting with a Georgia Tech 4th down, then an orange Gatorade shower (a little early) for Ferentz, a few kneel downs, and the starting of the post game celebration, with a bit of In Heaven There Is No Beer in the background:

After our time on the beach, Parker and I decided to explore the Lincoln Road pedestrian mall in South Beach.  We were a little slow getting there, as Parker decided to stop for a snack.

"OM NOM NOM NOM."

And of course the bushes are always greener on the other side of the pedestrian walk way, so, we had to try those too.

"You know, this place kind of reminds me a little of Jurassic Park. What's that? There's a movie called Jurassic Park, too? How odd, that was the name of my kindergarten. They had great play pens, and a really nice science lab, too. What's that? No, no people at all. Why do you ask?"

I let Parker take all the time he want eating those bushes.  “Aren’t plants delicious Parker?”

"Why, yes, they are quite good. And here's a nice trendy little snack bar they left out, too. But I'm getting stuffed."

“Phew, good.”

“What’s that Kearn?”

“Oh, nothing.”

"Let's go exploring! It looks like there's all kinds of shops and restaurants and stuff here."

"Hmmm, this place looks a little too, oh, what's the word, posh for my tastes."

"Look, swim suits! Those would have been nice to have on the beach."

"And it looks like they're about half off. Plus there's a sale! Oh, wait, they're not half off, it's just that..."

South Beach – where even the mannequins have implants.

"Now this is my kind of store!!"

Let it be noted that the store Parker is posing in front of in this picture was selling Hawkeye gear.  And only Hawkeye gear.  No general sports merchandise.  Just Iowa Hawkeye clothes and memorabilia, and nothing else.  In Miami.  There was absolutely no Georgia Tech (the other team in the Orange Bowl) stuff, or any other store like it selling Georgia Tech stuff.  And it wasn’t a sports store that just rotates through whatever team is visiting for whatever game – it was an empty store front on Saturday, it was a full fledged Hawkeye store on Monday.  Apparently word gets out about how well our fans travel.

We had walked a ways, so Parker grabbed another snack.

"Really does remind me of Jurassic Park a bit."

“And you’re sure you’re okay with just eating plants, right Parker?”

"Well, now that you mention it, and I see that Duck Boat there, I could really go for... something to drink."

“Oh, good.  I mean, I think we can find you something to drink.  How about that fountain over there?”

"Yeah, that looks good, it even has a bubbler to drink out of!"

"Hmmm, it smells kind of... gross though. I wonder if there are any other places to find a drink around here?"

"Excuse me Mr Fishy, would you know of where I could find a drink around here?" "Why yes, I know all sorts of places. After all, I drink like a..., well, I don't know what I drink like, but I drink a lot. My favorite spot is just down there on the left." "Thanks Mr Fishy!"

"Hmmm, I can see why he likes it so much, but it smells a little funny just like the last one. Maybe I should ask someone a little more classy..."

"Excuse me my fine gentleman, could I trouble you to direct me to an establishment serving only the finest, most high quality, non-smelly drinks?"

"How much you looking to spend?" "Um, I don't have any money actually." "Well then you can go stick your head in a fire hydrant for all I care."

"Hmmm, I don't see where you turn it on. Maybe I should ask someone else."

"Excuse me Mr Giraffe. I'm really thirsty and was wondering if you would know where I can get a drink?" "Oh, why yes little one. There's actually three places along this block that serve giraffes. The first two are a little hit or miss, but you can't go wrong at the third one." "Thank you Mr Giraffe!!"

"Hmm, the Score Doggy Bar looks fancy and trendy, but there's cigarette butts floating in it. I think I'll try the other places."

"This one has almost no water in it, and it's too far down for me to reach. I hope Mr Giraffe was right about the third place."

So we kept walking down to the end of the block, until finally we found…

"Ahhh, Dom Perignon, now this is more like it!!!"

"Mr Giraffe has good taste, I could get used to this!"

After Parker had his fill, we decided to head back to the hotel and relax for a while.  We wanted to be well rested for tailgating the next day, so we decided to turn in early.  I tucked Parker into his little dino bunk…

"Good night Kearn." "Good night Parker."

And we slept with dreams of Hawkeye bowl wins in our heads.

In this episode / series, Parker goes to the Orange Bowl in Miami to see the Hawkeyes play.  My going along is part of why there was that couple week long lull of no posting – planning the trip, going down, being there a few days, coming back, getting my feet back on the ground, not to mention Christmas, New Years, some things shifting at work, and just generally having needed a bit of a break.  At any rate, I’m back now.

Also, I’m breaking this episode into 3 parts (this is the first, as the title would indicate) because:

1. There are lots of pictures.
2. There are basically 3 distinct stories.
3. These posts take for freaking ever to make, so I want to stretch it out a little bit and make the effort for each a little more manageable.

The third segment is a little short for reasons I’ll explain in that post, so that one’s more like half a post compared to the other two.  As a bonus though, there will also be one non-Parker, non-dino post of Miami stuff after the third as well.  So, really, it like 2 and 2 half post about Miami.  So, anyway, let’s get started, shall we…

As it turns out, Nessie has an in with the BCS people and helped them decide that Iowa should go to the Orange Bowl in Miami so she could see Parker, instead of sending Iowa to the Fiesta Bowl.  Apparently Nessie doesn’t do well in the desert, being a lake creature and all, and it turns out that Plesiosaurs have a surprisingly large say in the BCS selection process.  Who knew?

So, when we heard that Iowa was headed to Miami, Parker decided that we needed to go.  Sinclair stayed behind to hibernate.  Because dinosaurs hibernate, I guess.  That or he’s just lazy and still moping about not being able to find Minne.  Who knows?  He has his moments of being a rather surly fellow, but I think mostly it’s just the cold and dark weather getting to him, cold blooded and all.

So, Parker and I got our tickets and flew down to Miami a couple of days before the game.  The TSA is surprisingly permissive with dinosaurs.  Apparently they’re a well connected bunch.  Anyway, as soon as we got to the Miami airport, we decided we should go find the hotel, settle in a little bit, and then go see what South Beach has to offer.  Without thinking, I had let Parker do some of the planning, like the car…

Parker rolls in style.

Also, it turns out Parker packs like a Druish Princess.

"Ah, I see my bags have arrived. Are you sure we packed my industrial strength hair dryer? Because I can't live with out it."

And he fit in pretty well in the hotel lobby while they were taking the bags up, too.

The dinosaur matches the pillows!

Once we got up to our room, Parker decided to check out the view.

"I can see the ocean! We should go see if we can find Nessie!!!"

"Let's go, let's go, let's go!!!"

As you can see, I pack slightly lighter than Parker, but I still had room for swim trunks and sandals, so, we headed to the beach, at top dinosaur speed, to see if we could find Nessie.

"Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!!" (Parker does his best Pamela Anderson running on the beach impression.)

"Excuse me Mr Seagull, have you seen the Loch Ness Monster anywhere around here lately?"

"Sorry bud, I don't really fly out to sea any more. I just hang out on the beach and eat trash from all the tourists. You might try asking at the lifeguard station though." "Okay, thanks!"

"Excuse me Mr Lifeguard, have you seen the Loch Ness Monster around here lately?"

"Yeah, I see her now and then. She's been hanging out down here for the last couple of months on vacation. Let me take a look through my trusty rusty telescope to see if she's around."

"I think I see her out there, a little ways off to the right of that ship. I'll signal to her for you."

The lifeguard flashed a mirror a few times in Morse code to signal to Nessie for us.

"Thanks Mr Lifeguard!"

"Hiiii Paaarrkkeerrr!!!! Sorry I can't swim in any further, I'm too big and I'd get stuck!"

"That's okay, I'll swim out to you."

"Whoa, that wave caught me off guard."

"I'll get a running start this time, and time it so I don't hit a wave."

"AAAAHHHHHH, I timed it wrong!!!"

"Cowabunga!!!"

"Owwwww."

"Even the foam's bigger than me!"

"Run away!!"

"You kids are crazy, the wave out there have to be ten, no, twenty feet tall!!"

"Sorry Nessie, the waves are too big for me! I can't make it out to you."

"That's okay Parker. Have fun on the beach!! There's lots to do there for someone your size. And send me a post card when you get back to Minneapolis."

After we sat on the beach chairs for a while and tried to talk with Nessie as best we could from that distance, Parker got a little restless and wanted to play.

"I'm gonna make a sand castle!!"

Two hours later…

"All done! Isn't it awesome!?!"

“Hmmm, Parker, would you like to play on a little bigger sand castle?  I think I see one over there you might like, and it doesn’t look like anyone else is playing on it right now.”

“Sure, where?”

“Right over there…”

“Wow!!!” … running….

"This. Is. Awesome."

"There she blows! - there she blows! A hump like a snow-hill!"

“Oh, you know what else we should do? …”

"I love the beach."

"I'm awful dirty after getting buried in the sand. I could sure use a shower."

"Ahhhh!!! Can't you see I'm naked!!!!"

"Get out, get out, GET OUT!!! Can't a guy get a little privacy?!?!"

Parker was a little miffed at me after that, so I put the camera away for a while.

As a side note, how often do you see a post with references to Space Balls, Moby Dick, Baywatch, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Monty Python, and an obscure Sesame Street record all in the same place?