Neo... In... Space!!

And before anyone starts bitching about “my tax dollars at work”, remember:

1. If you know what you’re doing it doesn’t take that long to do this sort of thing, especially when they already make the informative versions for press / schools.
2. Seeing a government agency embracing a bit of remix / pop culture is sort of a refreshing surprise.  Especially with the continuous corporate push towards more DRM and more strict intellectual property laws that would limit this sort of format.
3. These people when to god-damn space and are in basically the most hazardous profession that exists.  They deserve to be doted on a little bit, especially now when shuttle launches and space walks barely even get a 5 second mention on the evening news unless they’re the last one of something, or something goes terribly wrong (see most hazardous profession that exists comment).  I mean really, without looking at the poster above, name me one astronaut in the last 5 years.  Now name me one reality show star.  That’s what I thought.  Our real heroes need some more press.
4. They’re awesome.

Via Kottke.

At any rate, along with all the weight lifting and muscle building, she’s gotten pretty big on protein shakes and whey powder and the like.  We went on a brief vacation, and one of the first things we did after getting there was stop by a vitamin store to get some whey powder.  This, of course, lead to me making fun of her for the rest of the trip (this is how my family shows affection, we mock each other pretty much all the time).  In particular, it made me think of the South Park episode where Cartman decides he’s going to get totally buff:

So he gets a bunch of “Weight Gain 4000″, and gets, well, he ends up like this (starts about 20 seconds in):

The full episode is here.

So, of course, every time my sister made a protein shake, or asked if it was time for dinner yet, I would reply, “Beefcake. BEEFCAKE!”.  This was also accompanied by the Tim Tebow drinking game – while watch college football at any point in the last season, drink any time the announcers mention Tim Tebow.  Two if he’s not on the field at the time.  Three if neither of the teams playing in the game you’re watching is Florida.  You get trashed, fast.

Anyway, after the trip, my sister’s job was getting her down, so I thought I’d send her a care package.  What did I think of?  Well, I thought I’d get a variety of protein bars so she could try out some different kinds, maybe a few she hadn’t had before:

Titan. Rockin' Roll. Pure Protein. Yep, I picked them for having the most over the top labels and names of the whole rack of bars. Oh, and one chocolate one, because I'm not a total jerk. At least not all the time.

And of course, we can’t show affection without some mocking thrown in, so, while I was at it, I cut a couple of sheets of paper in half and made a few custom labels:

Also a good excuse to play with crayons. I love crayons.

After all, the labels make it easier to put stamps on them…

Pretty sure the post office loves me after this.

So I put her address on the back of the labels like the usual ingredients / nutritional facts label, and went to the post office to get the correct postage for each.  The post lady working weighed each one, and then put elaborate combinations of 5 or 6 stamps on each to get the correct amount, to the penny, for each of the four, including mixing up two the weights and going back and doing them over, until basically the entire back of each of them was covered in stamps.  The people behind me in line totally loved me by time I left.  I then mailed them off, one at a time, over the course of a little over a week.

Pretty sure I should turn this into a side business.

Beefcake.  BEEFCAKE!!!!

In this episode / series, Parker goes to the Orange Bowl in Miami to see the Hawkeyes play.  My going along is part of why there was that couple week long lull of no posting – planning the trip, going down, being there a few days, coming back, getting my feet back on the ground, not to mention Christmas, New Years, some things shifting at work, and just generally having needed a bit of a break.  At any rate, I’m back now.

Also, I’m breaking this episode into 3 parts (this is the first, as the title would indicate) because:

1. There are lots of pictures.
2. There are basically 3 distinct stories.
3. These posts take for freaking ever to make, so I want to stretch it out a little bit and make the effort for each a little more manageable.

The third segment is a little short for reasons I’ll explain in that post, so that one’s more like half a post compared to the other two.  As a bonus though, there will also be one non-Parker, non-dino post of Miami stuff after the third as well.  So, really, it like 2 and 2 half post about Miami.  So, anyway, let’s get started, shall we…

So, when we heard that Iowa was headed to Miami, Parker decided that we needed to go.  Sinclair stayed behind to hibernate.  Because dinosaurs hibernate, I guess.  That or he’s just lazy and still moping about not being able to find Minne.  Who knows?  He has his moments of being a rather surly fellow, but I think mostly it’s just the cold and dark weather getting to him, cold blooded and all.

So, Parker and I got our tickets and flew down to Miami a couple of days before the game.  The TSA is surprisingly permissive with dinosaurs.  Apparently they’re a well connected bunch.  Anyway, as soon as we got to the Miami airport, we decided we should go find the hotel, settle in a little bit, and then go see what South Beach has to offer.  Without thinking, I had let Parker do some of the planning, like the car…

Parker roll in style.

Also, it turns out Parker packs like a Druish Princess.

"Ah, I see my bags have arrived. Are you sure we packed my industrial strength hair dryer? Because I can't live with out it."

And he fit in pretty well in the hotel lobby while they were taking the bags up, too.

The dinosaur matches the pillows!

Once we got up to our room, Parker decided to check out the view.

"I can see the ocean! We should go see if we can find Nessie!!!"

"Let's go, let's go, let's go!!!"

As you can see, I pack slightly lighter than Parker, but I still had room for swim trunks and sandals, so, we headed to the beach, at top dinosaur speed, to see if we could find Nessie.

"Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!!" (Parker does his best Pamela Anderson running on the beach impression.)

"Excuse me Mr Seagull, have you seen the Loch Ness Monster anywhere around here lately?"

"Sorry bud, I don't really fly out to sea any more. I just hang out on the beach and eat trash from all the tourists. You might try asking at the lifeguard station though." "Okay, thanks!"

"Excuse me Mr Lifeguard, have you seen the Loch Ness Monster around here lately?"

"Yeah, I see her now and then. She's been hanging out down here for the last couple of months on vacation. Let me take a look through my trusty rusty telescope to see if she's around."

"I think I see her out there, a little ways off to the right of that ship. I'll signal to her for you."

The lifeguard flashed a mirror a few times in Morse code to signal to Nessie for us.

"Thanks Mr Lifeguard!"

"Hiiii Paaarrkkeerrr!!!! Sorry I can't swim in any further, I'm too big and I'd get stuck!"

"That's okay, I'll swim out to you."

"Whoa, that wave caught me off guard."

"I'll get a running start this time, and time it so I don't hit a wave."

"AAAAHHHHHH, I timed it wrong!!!"

"Cowabunga!!!"

"Owwwww."

"Even the foam's bigger than me!"

"Run away!!"

"You kids are crazy, the wave out there have to be ten, no, twenty feet tall!!"

"Sorry Nessie, the waves are too big for me! I can't make it out to you."

"That's okay Parker. Have fun on the beach!! There's lots to do there for someone your size. And send me a post card when you get back to Minneapolis."

After we sat on the beach chairs for a while and tried to talk with Nessie as best we could from that distance, Parker got a little restless and wanted to play.

"I'm gonna make a sand castle!!"

Two hours later…

"All done! Isn't it awesome!?!"

“Hmmm, Parker, would you like to play on a little bigger sand castle?  I think I see one over there you might like, and it doesn’t look like anyone else is playing on it right now.”

“Sure, where?”

“Right over there…”

“Wow!!!” … running….

"This. Is. Awesome."

"There she blows! - there she blows! A hump like a snow-hill!"

“Oh, you know what else we should do? …”

"I love the beach."

"I'm awful dirty after getting buried in the sand. I could sure use a shower."

"Ahhhh!!! Can't you see I'm naked!!!!"

"Get out, get out, GET OUT!!! Can't a guy get a little privacy?!?!"

Parker was a little miffed at me after that, so I put the camera away for a while.

You don’t need Benjamin Button priced CGI to create effective false perceptions.

Sinclair took me up on the suggestion that we go down to the Iowa vs Minnesota game this year and go tailgating.  Nessie sent me a letter and said that she was going to swim up to meet us there, but that Mississippi current was too strong for her, and unlike Sinclair, every time she asked a barge captain for a ride, he’d scream in fear and mutter something about needing to “cut back” and run away.  However, she told me that she had a certain feeling we’d meet another Iowa fan at the game if we told her where we’d be tailgating, so I sent her the address.

We drove down to Iowa for the game the night before so we could sleep a little there and go tailgating.  We got up early, but Sinclair was pretty restless.

"I wonder where Minne went..."

So I told him to go for a little walk to burn off some energy, since he seems to be good at that.

"I'm so excited for my first Iowa game!"

"Hey, who are you?" "I'm Parker, I think Nessie told you about me."

"So you're who she was talking about. You look strangely familiar for some reason." "Of course I do, I'm (dramatic pause) your brother!"

Brothers gotta hug

"Come tailgate with us Parker" "Okay" "Kearn, grab Parker a beer!"

"That's okay Kearn, I think I'll just stick with Diet Coke for now."

“Come to think of it, Sinclair, are you old enough to drink?”

"Of course I am. I'm a dinosaur. I'm over 65 million years old."

“Oh, I suppose that makes sense, kind of.  Ready for another?”

"Yes, thanks. Um, can you tip it up just a little more? No arms or thumbs and all."

“Sure.  Are you guys hungry?  We’re a little too lazy to do actual grilling tailgate food, but we do have some cookies and chips.”

"COOKIES!!!!! OM NOM NOMNOMNOM"

"I thiNK I'll jJUst have SOome of ThEse MUNchiEsSSs"

“Sinclair, that’s an awful lot of beer to drink that fast, especially for someone your size.”

NOMNOMNOMNOM

"Yuuurrr RIGHT! I think I'LL ssswitch To suma THISSSTuff."

And I think we all know where that leads.  About 20 minutes later it was almost time to go to the game…

"uhhhhh, I don't feel so good"

“Here Sinclair, have some water.”

“Thanks, I think I might stay back and take a little nap.  Parker can use my ticket and go to the game with you guys.”

“Are you sure you’ll be alright?”

“Yeah, though it is a little chilly.  Do you have anything I could borrow to cover up with?  I’m cold blooded and all…”

“Sure, here, hop in the car.  I happen to have an old Iowa Marching Band raincoat that you can cover up with.  It even has the old fuzzy fleece liner in it.  I’ll even tuck you in.”

"Thanks Kearn! You and Parker enjoy the game now!"

So, we started walking to the game.

"Wow, that's a lot of people for still being this far from the stadium, there must be a lot of Iowa fans."

"Hmmm, glad I don't have to play these guys..."

Parker made some friends along the way too.

"Goose people!"

"Look guys, look! There it is! I can hear the crowd from here! Let's hurry!"

"Look at all these people! Even Mr. Kinnick is here!"

It took a little while to get in, but we got there just in time.

"LET"S GO HAWKS!!!"

"WOOOOOO!!!!"

We settled in to watch the game, and before too long...

TOUCHDOWN IOWA!!!

And the point after...

"I... O... W... A..."

It was a little quiet for a while after that.

Halftime. Where Minnesota hears a little rah-rah speech and Pat Angerer plots even more creative ways to grind Minnesota's offense into the turf.

Parker got a little bored during half time…

"RAWR!!! I big scary monster! Parker stomp!!"

He takes after the defense.

A little while later, they got ready to kick off the second half, and we’re all lucky Parker was there.

"Look out Gopher! That guy's going to light you on fire!"

Parker quickly ran down and restrained the unruly fan.  After all, we’d hate to see the Minnesota team catch fire for the first time since Decker got hurt.

All clear, proceed.

The second half was, shall we say, less than photogenic.  But at least one fan in front of us did get pretty excited.

"WOOO! Time out! Yeah!"

Until we finally arrived at the greatest (if also most blurry) play in football, the victory formation.

Take a fuzzy knee boys.

12-0. Not the 12-0 we hoped for, but we'll take it. And the second year in a row of shut outs.

"Ohh, that looks fun! Let's go join!"

"Quick! I want to meet Floyd!"

A side note, dinosaurs are incredibly slow on steps.  So, it took a little while to get down there and we missed Floyd, but we did get to see…

Touchdown Parker!

A security guard came over and tried to punt Parker right after this picture. I'm not kidding.

So, after the meanie security guard, we decided to go meet the band.  They were much nicer, one even let Parker try his horn.

HONK!!!!!

Then we went over to meet the cheer leaders, they were pretty nice too, and seemed to like Parker…

"I think she's checking me out."

Over all it was a fun game and a great day.

Go Hawks.

Until next time Mr Kinnick, until next time.

"Bye Nile!" "Bye Parker!"

• It’s the only time I can think of where I’ve seen a really wide horizontal scrolling web page that actually seemed like a good design choice.
• The huge variety of people and dress.
• The varying degrees of recognition on the part of the subjects of the fact they were being photographed.

Admittedly, I tottally don’t get the title though.

Hi Kearn,

I forgot to mention, I have a little buddy down here too.  His name’s Sinclair.  When he saw your post about Minne and her website, he couldn’t wait to get up there.  He’s pretty young, and has lots of energy, and kind of wears me out, so I thought it would be good for him to burn off a little energy with an outing, so I let him go ahead.  I gave him some directions to Minneapolis, but my directions might not be the best since I haven’t been there before.  I also gave him your address so he could get a hold of you when he gets there.  Hope you don’t mind.  He’s quite friendly.

Oh, and be sure to have a little extra food on hand.  I packed him a lunch before he left, but I’m sure he’ll work up quite the appetite on the trip.

I’m moving a little slower these days, so I think I’ll just plan to meet up with you at the Iowa Minnesota game if these fins can hold up to that strong Mississippi current.  See you then,

Nessie

Sure enough, tonight I heard a little tapping at my door, and when I opened it, there stood a little tiny, shivering green dinosaur.  I could tell from his tattoos that this must be Sinclair, so I brought him in and got him some hot cocoa, a blanket, and some lawn clippings.  He thanked me, and I asked him how his trip was.

“It was good, and there were all sorts of wonderful things and nice people along the way.”

“How did you manage to get up here so quickly?  It’s a long ways from Florida, I didn’t think I’d see you for at least a few more days yet.”

“Oh, well, I didn’t walk the whole way, I made friends with a sea captain, and he gave me a ride over to New Orleans, and then a barge friend of his gave me a ride up the Mississippi.  It was a really fun ride, he even let me ride up front!”

“Then, once we got up to Minneapolis, I saw a waterfall in the river, and I got scared, so I jumped off the barge and swam over to the shore.”

Boy, it sure was cold in there.

But there's no way I would have made it up that waterfall

“As soon as I got out of the river, I saw a little path going up the hill, so I thought I would go up and see if anyone could help me find my way.”

I hope the whole city isn't this steep, my little legs will wear out

“As luck would have it, as soon as I got to the top of the hill, there was a big guy sitting right there, so I asked him if he knew how to get to Lake of the Isles, but he didn’t say a word.”

Must be the strong, silent type

So, I asked one of his friends there.

Excuse me Mr Guthrie, would you know how to get to Lake of the Isles?

Well, Sinclair, I don't travel from here much, but I think if you go towards that giant bubble over there and then turn right, you'll be on your way

“Thanks Mr Guthrie!”, I shouted, and headed toward the big bubble.

Hmmm, not much a crowd today

It seemed sort of quiet, but it must be a wonderful place to have all the huge inside space when it’s so cold out, they must use it for everything thing here.  It must be busy all the time!  I guess I must have caught it on the one quiet day of the year.  So, I kept going, and turned right, like Mr Guthrie told me to.

Then I saw all these giant square rocks sticking up into the sky.

Better keep moving, no stopping here

Then I saw a building that I read about on Stray Hawkeye, the headquarters of the Star Tribune.

Future home of the Pie-Star

I had to get my picture with their sign.

Maybe I could be their mascot?

But then I wasn’t sure where I was going again, so I decide to ask someone.

Excuse me Mr Brown, do you know how to get to Lake of the Isles?

“Sorry, I’m terrible with directions,” he said, “Lucy might know though.”

Why yes Sinclair, I actually have some directions written up on this paper.

“Thanks Lucy!  And my that’s a pretty colored dress you have on.”

“Thank you Sinclair, and good luck on your trip!”

So, the directions said I’m supposed to follow the train tracks to Nicollet Mall, and then turn left.

Wait, isn't the beer train supposed to be Coors Light?

I decided to stop for a snack, I was getting awfully hungry from all that walking.

Hope no one will mind

That's a funny looking rock. Pretty though. Not a bad setting for a snack.

That should hold me over for a little bit.  After a couple blocks, I check for directions again, just to be sure.

Okay, just a couple more blocks to Nicollet? Thanks!

This is why I don't trust the skyways.

Oh, this must be Nicollet Mall! Let's see, I turn left here.

So, I started walking down Nicollet Mall. It’s a busy place!

OOoooo, shiny tall rock.

Umm, Ma'am? You might want to keep your hat, it gets awfully cold here from what I hear.

Ohh, a wedding party, fancy. Congrats!!

I was getting really cold, especially with no hat, so I decided to go inside for a little bit, and try out the skyways.

Ahhhhh, much warmer.

Let’s see, just up the escalator here.  Hmm, I might stop for a little snack while I warm up.

Om nom nom nom nom.

Another up hill, this is a long ways.

Not a bad view, but I'm getting really turned around up here.

I decided I should go back outside, so I could get my bearings again, and right there were some of Minne’s goose people friends!

They're even Minne sized!

I decided to go make some friends.

So, just a few more block that way to a fountain and then right to Loring Park? Thanks big bird!

An Irish pub? I think Nessie would like it here

Just a couple more block that way? Thanks Mr Conductor!

Another British pub? Nessie would definitely like it here.

Oh, there's the fountain, this must be where I turn.

Boy this is a long ways

I was just thinking, I could use another snack, and then…

A BUFFET!!!!!

I didn’t see any trays, so I just helped myself.  I got a full tummy.  And you know what I saw next when I started walking again? A playground!!!!

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy...

OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY!!!

WHHEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

That was awesome.  But, I should probably keep walking.  Bye bye playground!

This must be Loring Park. Hmm, let's see if I can find some one who can tell me where to go from here.

Oh, more goose people, they should be able to help!

Okay, over the bridge, through the garden, and then through Kenwood.

This is a lot of steps, couldn't they make them shorter? I can barely get up them all.

Well, at least I'm not driving, that looks confusing!

Uhhh, I don't get it.

Ahhh! Goose poop! I'm standing in goose poop! It's everywhere! Icky!!

So, I rinsed off my feet, and then walked through Kenwood.  Not much interesting there, just lots of big houses.  The people back there must have huge families to need that much space.  Even a lake monster would have a hard time filling some of those houses!  So, I just kept walking.

I'm not quite a duck, but it works.

Okay, all clear now, let's go!

Let's see, I think I'm getting close. Kearn said Minne was on the West side of the lake.

Let's see, if Lake of the Isles that way, and Kenilworth Lagoon is this way, and Albuquerque that way... Wait, what?

So I eventually found my way over to the part of the lake where Minnie was supposed to be, but she wasn’t there.

Maybe she's diving for some fish? I'll just wait a little bit.

I waited and waited and waited.

I stayed until it was starting to get dark, but still no Minne.

Then I remembered that Nessie had given me your address, so I decided to come visit you before it got too dark out, and see if you knew where Minne went?”

“I’m sorry Sinclair,” I said, “but I don’t know where Minne went.  Actually, I don’ think anyone knows where she went. We’ll need to investigate.  But first, let’s get you ready for bed.  You must be exhausted from your trip, we can work on figuring all this out in the morning.  Now go brush your teeth.”

“Do I have too?”

“Yes Sinclair.  We don’t want you to end up with cavities from all those snacks you had today.”

“Okay.”

Find out next time, on another exciting episode of Lake Creatures Of Our Lives!

Like giant flippered boulders through the hourglass, so are the pleosaurs of our lives.

Anyone know where it came from?