It came to my attention a little while back that there was the potential that this coming season, Iowa would have a few more players at the running back position than is usual for a team. Now granted, with our history with running backs (including a training regiment which I can only imagine from the results involves hitting each of them in the knee with a crowbar after every play in practice), I can see where we might want to stock up a little at this position. But, ummmm,… NINE OF THEM?!?!?
Now, that number has trimmed down slightly, and there’s always potential for injury and suspensions/legal issues, but if you actually count all the players listed in that first article that could play running back, we’re still at something like 13 or 14 guys who could play the position. Which got me thinking, why could we possibly want that many running backs?
And then it struck me, this could be nothing other than the absolute offensive genius of Ken O’Keefe finally coming to fruition. (In case you were wondering, yes, it was actually physically painful to even ironically type the phrase “the absolute offensive genius of Ken O’ ahhhhhhhh.)
Obviously, while Ken was watching tapes of the Georgia Tech’s unstoppable Triple Option offense to prepare for the Orange Bowl, he saw something he liked, but saw room for improvement. (Yeah, I don’t know why an offensive coordinator would be watching tape of the other team’s offense to prepare for a bowl game, but it’s Ken O’Keefe we’re talking about here, so let your mind float a bit, it’ll help.)
During the Orange Bowl, we saw the much praised Triple Option of Georgia Tech absolutely stuffed, held to a mere 155 yards of total offense. And with this, O’Keefe’s suspicions were confirmed. He had seen the fatal flaw in Georgia Tech’s otherwise perfect offensive scheme. It wasn’t that, as many have claimed, the Triple Option is a gimmicky offense which relies on poor defensive tackling mixed with ill-prepared opponents being caught off guard by it’s novelty. No, as Ken realized, the its one fatal flaw is that it’s not gimmicky or novel enough. It’s not that focusing almost exclusively on lateraling the ball makes a team one dimensional. Well, actually, it is, and that’s where the genius comes in. Don’t be one dimensional. No, no, not what you would think- actually having a balanced running and passing game. That’s crazy talk. We need to be not only two, but three dimensional. We need to be not just twice as good as Georgia Tech, we need to be exponentially better. And that’s when our new offense crystallized in Ken O’Keefe’s mind.
The Triple Option… Squared.
Here’s how it will work. The ball will be snapped directly to a running back, who will in turn have a running back on either side of him. He’ll have the option to hand it off to either of them, keep it himself, or start running with it, and then lateral it to one of them, who will then have all the same options. Sounds just like the Triple Option so far, but you’ve forgotten that we’ve raised this offense to the second power. This is where those 9 running back start to make sense. They’re all going to be on the field at the same time.
After the first three running back do their magic, if somehow the defense hasn’t completely fallen apart by this point, there will be another row of three more running back behind the first three that we can lateral the ball back to. Oh, and it doesn’t stop there. Oh no! Yes, there will be ANOTHER row of 3 running backs behind the second row to whom the second row can lateral back to. Or maybe one of them will pass it forward to one of the first waves of running backs. You just don’t know do you? It will be like D-Day on a football field. Wave after wave of running backs crashing over the defense. Chaos and bodies flying everywhere!!
Now you may be saying, “Don’t you have to have at least a few guys on the line of scrimmage? I mean, it’s in rules.” Why yes, it is, and we will. Some of the running backs will actually line up on the line of scrimmage, and then run backward to get behind the first wave to form the second and third waves. Or will they? See how confused the defense will be? Nine potential guys to carry the ball, some running forwards, some running backwards, some doing jumping jacks in place just to fuck with you. And wave after wave after wave of bodies crashing and lateraling and faking and running and passing and reversing!!! There’s just no way to defend against this!!!!
You may also be saying, “Triple Option Squared… Nine Running Backs… but… who will the other guys on the field be? We need 11, right?” Well, isn’t it obvious? First we need someone to snap the ball. And there’s only one guy who can make this offense any more terrifying than it already is – Adrian Clayborn. You just wet yourself a little, didn’t you? Just imagine what defenses will do.
Okay, that takes us to 10 players. We need one more. And this is where we get practical. At some point, in all likelihood, with all the confusion, and defensive players’ tears getting on the ball, it’s going to get slippery and pop out. And as we saw this season, there is no player better at magically appearing under, or magnetically attracting, a loose ball than Tyler “Jimmer-Jamming” Sash, so, we’ll line him up at wide receiver.
With that offense, and most of our 2009 defense returning, I predict the 2010 college football season will actually end not with Iowa in a BCS Championship Game, or the introduction of playoffs, but in week three when all 118 other college football teams decide to universally forfeit the season to Iowa. Further play will be suspended until enough running backs can be recruited by all opposing teams so that they can implement the new scheme as well to have any chance at competing. This will lead to Iowa being declared National Champion by collective forfeit in 2011 as well.
Thus it has been said, thus it shall be done.